Home?

Now comes the interesting time of trying to figure out what I actually mean when I say "home." I came back to Waterville this weekend to visit my folks, have dinner with some of my old coworkers, and pick up some of the things that I didn't have room for on my first trip over.

I'm still kind of getting settled in to the new place. I don't think it will really set in for a few weeks still. Even though (almost) all of my stuff is there, it still feels kind of like a vacation. I did get a call from one of the banks I applied at this weekend though; I'm going to call back and leave them a message when I get back to Spokane later today... hopefully that will lead to an interview and a job. I'm getting really tired of unemployment (and keep getting nervous that the state will decide to audit me, find something I accidentally screwed up, and require me to pay back a bunch of money), and I think that having a regular schedule again will make me a much more productive person. I finally put in a bit of work on my guest lecture again last week, but other than that I've just been goofing off, reading a lot, and making my three job searches a week so I can get my whopping $277 from unemployment. Some income is better than none, I guess.

A New Beginning

Hopefully, at least. I've been mostly unemployed for over a year now, and I have to say that it's highly overrated.

This weekend I had the opportunity to move out of my parents' basement and into an apartment with some friends in Spokane, and I jumped on it. It means that I'll have less disposable income (if you can apply that term to what I'm getting on unemployment), but I'm hoping that it will give me a better chance at finding a job. Right now I'm not too picky... anything that will pay the bills, leave me with a bit of money for entertainment, and get me back on something that resembles a regular schedule. I tend to be more productive with my time when I have less of it, and productivity is something that I definitely need more of.

My original plan, after graduating from college in 2005, was to work for a few years, save up some money, and then work on getting into grad school. Those few years were up a few years ago, and I'm no closer to that goal now than I was then. I've had a few accomplishments along the way--paid off my federal student loans, served two and a half years on the Town Council back in Waterville, and gave a guest lecture at Whitworth College (as well as working, however slowly, on putting a second one together)--but I really don't feel like I've gotten anywhere with my life, and I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with it. My general goal remains the same: get an MA in History somewhere or other, get a PhD in (Byzantine) History at the University of Chicago, and teach at the college level... preferably a smaller school like Whitworth. Everything that's come up though, including the lack of motivation to do what it takes to get there, though, make me wonder if there's something else I should be doing.

Right now, this song (lyrics below) is a depressingly accurate description of how I feel.

I'm sick of all this emptiness I've chosen for a life.
Without no direction, it's a never-ending strife.
It seemed so perfect as I planted fertile seeds.
But in this barren soil I've lost my basic... I've lost my basic needs.

(chorus)
Sometimes I'm afraid I've lost my way.
Certain I always fail to seize the day.
Somewhere I began to go astray.
If I could only change...
Another life is all it takes.

I wish that I could leave this trap, I want another me.
I find myself in places I was not supposed to be.
At the finger post I try to look another way.
But all I see is future forming the shape of something... the shape of something gray.

(chorus)

If there was a way to live my life again,
I'd make sure that I would avoid the pain
of moving silently, floating with the streams
'till undercurrents drag me under.

(chorus)